I recently had coffee with a good friend of mine. We had a very encouraging conversation. It is often difficult for me to have meaningful conversations with people because a lot of my experiences go above and beyond what you would generally talk about with friends. Every once in a while I find a person that can resonate with my past and with whom I can share a bit of my heart.
This conversation, stimulated me to think about where I am. Most of the time I get caught up focusing only on events in the present time. Never looking back and only looking far enough ahead to see my next foot fall. I find that a lot of my past experiences are like band-aids over scabs. I know that in order for those things to truly heal I need to bring them out into the open. However, I know that removing that band-aid is going to hurt like the dickens.
During the course of my conversation with my friend I was reminded of an event in my life that shaped me as a human being. It is still the single most important moment of my life. I was a newby missions intern in Zambia. We were on our first medical mission out to the bush. We were providing a medical clinic for people who barely ever got to take an aspirin let alone see a doctor. There were probably about a hundred men, women and children lined up at the door. I was flitting in and out of the lines making friends with the people and playing games with the children. A young woman approached me and in broken English she told me her story. Her husband had died recently of aids and had left the young woman to take care of four children. She was obviously unwell. I became more and more concerned as she spoke to me. When she finished her story she looked at me with sorrowful eyes and she held out her infant child to me. She begged me to take the child because she was dying. There are not words enough in the dictionary to describe the pain that I felt at that moment. When your world shatters and everything that you knew to be true is just a wave on the ocean.
I can't explain to you what this experience did to me. BUT I can tell you that it completely changed the way that I view my life.
It's funny how we have this idea in our society that we have to be all put together and have everything figured out. I don't understand where this simplistic view of "what we should be" came from. How many of you can stand up and say that you are well adjusted emotionally, that you have the perfect body, that you are happy with your job, that you are glad you are in debt because school was worth it, you are good at saving money, your relationship is without flaw?
Nobody. But is this not what we pretend on a day to day basis? Are these not the things that we are supposed to have figured out? Well then I have a confession to make. I am not well adjusted emotionally. In fact I'm a bit of a hot mess. I am not satisfied with how my body looks, but I am me. I don't like my job but I do it because I have to. I am angry that I am in debt for a stupid year of school that didn't mean anything. I am the WORST at saving money. When it comes to relationships... I am one big blob of spaghetti like emotions. All connected and mixed up together and topped off with a brokenhearted tomato sauce.
You know what? I am tired of these expectations of normal. I want to shout it from the Mountains that I am a mess. A beautiful mess. Poetry comes from broken hearts. Music is born out of passion. I won't apologize for my flaws. Only use them to make art and to live life in such a way that I cause others to stop and listen to the music. I will never have it figured out. because I know that everyday we must approach life like that young woman. Willing to give everything for someone else to experience the world. Willing to love so deeply that it will break you apart.
Cally Jane
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