Thoughts about falling

I have been thinking about falling in love. What is it that causes a person to do so. Better yet at what point do you know that you are in love? Is it like a wave of energy that hits you? Like a LAZER beam straight to the heart?

I think I have been in love before. I remember the exact moment that it happened. It was like a switch was flipped in my brain. One moment I was fine and the next I had some kind of rare stomach illness whenever I looked at his face or heard his name spoken. However permanent that moment is in my memory, I don't recall the exact time that the feeling of being in love left me. Strangely enough it was not the moment that my heart was broken. No, love continued for a long while after. It finally dissipated into a barely noticeable feeling of choked admiration.

I think love might be like atomic matter. You can't create it or destroy it. It just shifts forms. 

I hate it when I have to identify myself as "single" because I know how many "single" people there are out there. I think instead I am going to say that I am a part of the "uncoupled multitude". It sounds less lonely.

Today I was sitting on a bus with my nose in a book. I was deeply involved in my thoughts about midwifery (such was the subject of my book) when onto the bus steps an old wrinkled couple. I caught my breath when I looked at them because there, bent and withered, holding hands, stood an incarnation of love. They shuffled to a seat. The man, winking and pretending to tip his hat to her, helped her into a seat by the window. She beamed up at him and gave him a blushing smile and an answering wink. I don't know why seeing those two hurt my heart whilst simultaneously filling it up with hope. 

What is it that causes us to search for love? Today in the newspaper I skimmed through the "missed connections" section and witnessed a hundred broken hearts trying to find somebody with some glue.

Last week after a particularly lonely night with only a movie, a glass of wine and a bowl of ice cream to keep me company... I woke up to a text message from my lovely big sister informing me of a free trial period for Match.com. We have dating websites and matchmaking websites, speed dating, mail order brides and arranged marriages. Everyone is looking for someone. All my siblings have found someone.

 I am scared. I'm not scared of being alone. I'm good at being alone. I am scared of being with someone who doesn't get it. Someone who doesn't understand how much I love tea. Someone who doesn't know that for me being absolutely covered in flour and pulling a creation out of the oven is probably right about when I am happiest. Someone who reads my poems. Knows that I'm self conscious about my feet, that my favorite candy is cinnamon bears and that my secret favorite song is by Pink of all people.

So I have resolved to find him. But I don't know where to start. I am NOT joining a dating website. I CAN live without him. I'm not broken up about being alone. I'm not completely and utterly lonely. I am merely curious to meet the person that will find it interesting rather than disturbing that all my paintings have skeletons in them. I want to find my missing puzzle piece. The mirror to my reflection. The obligatory laugh  to my cheesy one liner.

I'm going to look everywhere. Like in the grocery store. At the bus stop. In the pub drinking bourbon,talking about Isaac Asimov  Maybe you have wonky British teeth and a leather jacket. Maybe I make you coffee three times a day. He that maketh me to stumble over mine own words? Maybe I rode on the back of your motorcycle. I will find you. I would rather you found me first.

This is all very confusing. Looks to me like the only people who have love figured out are the lucky ones in relationships and filmmakers who create chick flicks. 

For now I am just Cally Jane. I am not in love. Not yet.

~Cally Jane